Searcher
by JolinarJackson
Summary: And here, in the darkness, she allowed her tears to flow.


**Searcher**

_Word Count: _1.001

_Snippet:_ And here, in the darkness, she allowed her tears to flow.

_Characters: _Vanessa James, Eli Wallace, Doctor Caine

_Pairing:_ Matthew/Vanessa James (hinted), Vanessa James/OC (hinted)

_Rating:_ PG_  
Spoiler: Air, Darkness, Space  
Setting:_ during_ Space__  
Feedback:_ Can't breathe without it.

_Beta: _Anne McSommers – thanks!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Stargate Universe_ and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

Gordon Bright had been her first boyfriend. They dated for half a year, and she'd never wasted a thought on the broad grins on his and his friends' faces. She was sixteen, not very popular in her high school, and the cheerleaders hated her. Boys stared appreciatively after Vanessa James, and the cheerleaders who were used to get all the attention and catcalls, saw her as a competitor.

One day after computer class Gordon, a football player and one of the most popular boys of the school, flirted with her. They'd been a couple ever since. As Sam Trishner, teacher's pet, computer freak and one of Gordon's favourite victims, stopped her half a year later in the school's corridor and muttered nervously "He's only with you because of your breasts" she pushed him away and went on. She slept with Gordon to prove to herself, and maybe to Sam, too, that he was wrong. And when she found out that Gordon was showing people pictures of her sleeping bare-chested in his bed, she hit first him and then Sam who had been so unlucky as to run into her. She pleaded with her parents to be allowed to change the school but her father just said, "You want him to win?" She stayed. Sam was always looking at her with sad brown eyes, and Vanessa learned that he had a crush on her. She ignored him. The armed forces were a decision made in her childhood days. Her family was a military family, rich in tradition and Vanessa loved her job. She ignored the dirty jokes of the men, knowing that every woman had to bear them. She took revenge by becoming the best soldier of her unit, better than some of the men. She didn't think about starting a relationship again for a long time, but she had sex when she needed it. It was ridiculously easy to woo the men, they were after all men. Then she was assigned to _Icarus_, and with it came Matthew Scott. Their relationship had never been intended to be more than sexual, however, they liked each other and soon Vanessa wondered whether there could be more.

Now she knew that there couldn't be.

Vanessa shoved her hands in her pant pockets and passed by the observation deck. When she turned a corner, she ran into somebody. "Sorry," she said automatically. Doctor Caine smiled at her, and Vanessa closed her eyes in embarrassment. "I'm sorry."

"No problem," he answered. Vanessa suddenly realized that she'd gotten nervous. Caine was cute, smart and the few times they'd talked in the mess revealed him to be a man wanting more than a fling. Vanessa had learned about his wife through the grapevine, and she was sorry for him. A nice man like him shouldn't become a widower. And she'd acted like a complete idiot towards him just this morning. It was a miracle that he was still speaking with her. He was holding a thermos and two cups in his hand and raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Are you trying to hunt down innocent men now?"

His light brown eyes were sparkling with humour, and Vanessa laughed, feeling a big chunk of nervousness fall away.

"Not today." She sighed. "What I said this morning-"

"We said that we would just forget about that, right?"

He smiled gently and she pulled her shoulders up.

"Yeah, it's just …" She rolled her eyes. "What I said wasn't nice. I'm sorry about your wife."

Caine's eyes reflected a shadow of grief, but he hid it behind a smile. "What you said wasn't nice," he admitted, "But you didn't mean it the way it sounded. It's okay."

They smiled. Vanessa nodded to the thermos. "What have you got there?"

"Oh!" he muttered, "An experiment involving a still." He laughed and Vanessa answered with a grin. She wondered whether she should suggest he share it with her. "Your friend, the medic," Caine said suddenly.

"TJ?" Vanessa asked.

"Yeah. Is she … is she single?" Caine asked.

Vanessa felt her chest tightening, cutting off her air supply. "Yeah," she said softly.

Caine nodded with a smile. "You didn't by any chance see her?"

Vanessa cleared her throat and tried to hide her disappointment. "The observation deck."

"Thanks," Caine answered, "Good night."

He was long gone before Vanessa managed, "G'night." She folded her arms and breathed in deeply. Then she headed for her quarters. Tears pushed against the back of her eyes but she forced them back. A kino approached her and Vanessa hoped that it was on search mode. It wasn't.

"_Hey!"_ Eli's voice floated out through the speakers and she gripped her arms tighter. _"I fixed the showers. The pressure should-"_

"Not now, Eli." She passed the kino.

"_Oh … okay,"_ he said and suddenly, an image of Sam struck her. In hindsight, maybe he'd been the only man who had ever cared about her, and she'd treated him like shit.

She stopped. "Thanks," she said. Eli was a nice kid. A bit overwhelmed, a bit out of place, sometimes a bit childish ... but definitely lonely, just as Vanessa was. Lonely in a group of eighty people. And since he'd summoned up his courage, and apologized to her a couple of days ago for wanting to spy on her in the shower with Riley, she was realizing how nice he could be.

She went to her quarters. There, she took off her trousers, turned off the light and sat down on her bed. She cuddled a cushion to her, and stared out to the shadows the FTL drive was throwing against her window. And here, in the darkness, she allowed her tears to flow. She cried because of Gordon, because of Matt, and because of Dr. Caine. She cried because _Icarus_ was supposed to be her great chance, the chance to get into the SGC and join a team to explore other worlds, and now, she was trapped here on _Destiny_.

Alone.

END

JJ 04/10


End file.
